I could never tell him “Ben, I love you.”

My parents had a goingtochurch requirement I followed  in exchange forfreedomfromprying. I’d go to church if I could pretty much do whatever I wanted. I was counting seconds when a shift in the choir gave me my first glimpse of hewhoalmostcausedmetobelieve.

Curly blonde hair, light tan, blue eyes, and a great grin. I started going to the young adult group and managed to worm my way into his life. I did. I almost became another brother in his family. I got a girlfriend just so we could double date.

I loved him but.   We went to see “A Thousand Clowns.” When Robards kissed Balsom (brothers in the movie), it was a one-second full-on smack on the lips. Common male behavior in many cultures. Ben had a reaction of visceral disgust – he gagged at the sight.

So then he got married. Saw him one more time. We met at the Hotel del Coronado in San Diego for coffee. When we left, I knew I’d never see him again. I didn’t.

Under the circumstances, I am not posting his picture. Why couldn’t just one of the boys I fell in love have had at least had the urge to experiment. But no.